In the very depths of my mind I often feel like I am a pretender. I feel that one day someone will say to me ‘You are really crappy at that.’ Then I will have to confess that I have been pretending all along. I very rarely allow myself to feel successful and worthy.
Maybe this is due to my own personality – I am somewhat of a perfectionist and I am well aware of my own inability to be perfect. Maybe this is due to a childhood where my efforts were never quite good enough. I’m not sure of the origin of these thoughts. Nor do I believe that they are necessary, but they some times exist. I don’t even believe that external affirmation is needed to make me feel any different. My own mind causes these thoughts.
I have been feeling a little overwhelmed. The verbal attack which I endured recently left me a little shaky. Changes are afoot in my family as my son has begun his teenage years and my daughter finishes high school. I think a lot about these things and at times they are difficult to rationalise.
I wasn’t going to post tonight at all. That was until I saw Nutmeg’s post in which she nominates me for a Thinking Blogger Award. I feel honoured by that. I know that what I write here is well-considered before I press the publish button and I am glad that others are able to see that.
Thanks Nutmeg, you just made my day!
A voice behind me just said, “If that’s what you think then you’re a dork!” Oh yeah, have kids people, they’ll bring you back to earth with a thud every time!