Please excuse my absence from my blog and from yours. The past month has lasted a year for me. I have had to make decisions and take actions that I had never even considered. I have questioned my role as a parent, as a friend and even as a person in doing so.
This week I sent my sobbing, heart-broken daughter back to France. She went because I asked her to go. I made a decision for her knowing that it was beyond her capacity right now to decide for herself. I held her hand, I stroked her hair and I made a decision that I know was the right one. I don’t feel any satisfaction in making it. I don’t feel justified or right. I feel like the air is too thin to breathe and the sun is too cold to warm me. I lay exhausted in bed unable to find sleep as I think of her flying alone for almost thirty hours to a place that she believes she doesn’t want to be and to people she believes she doesn’t want to see.
In seven short weeks we will be in France with her. The world will turn so many times between now and then, and every turn brings change. I know that she is clinging to that timeline as tightly as I am. I am wishing time away to get me closer to my own thirty hour flight.
I spent one day this week re-reading my blog. I am surprised at how I often write with honesty. I have a filter here, I could choose not to publish my every thought. I am finding, though, that I cannot write anything, until this is written. These thoughts are consuming too much of my mind and writing them here is intended to relieve them.
I hope to be back to myself soon. I want to think about other stuff now.