Too, Too Tired

Today I am tired.

I am tired of a bed that is so hard it hurts my shoulders.

I am tired of eating lean cuisine at 10pm in said hard bed.

I am tired of shopping at the quickee mart.

I am tired of water-saving shower nozzles that wet the back of my head and the back of my knees simultaneously leaving the rest of my body dry, yet somehow soak the bathmat which is outside behind a closed glass door. (with our giant brains and opposable thumbs, surely this is not the best we can come up with to save the planet… come the revolution… come the revolution!)

I am tired of seeking a laundromat to wash our clothes.

I am tired of walking back and forth up the hill to the hospital with people who have squeaky shoes and forget the keep left rule.

I am tired of eating crappy food because it is easier than trying to find something decent.

MOST OF ALL, I am tired of being so damned far away from my people.

EVEN more than that, I am tired of watching my son lose all the colour in his face every time he’s asked to do something. He is very compliant. He will swing his legs to the edge of the bed, take a deep breath, stand himself up, take bigger steps, lift his legs, lower his legs, blow in the tube and have a needle. He will do it all without complaint, but it hurts him and it exhausts him. I just sit and watch. I am tired of feeling useless.


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22 responses to “Too, Too Tired

  1. twolimeleaves

    Ah, honey pie :(, I know.
    Soon you’ll be home.

  2. My advice is to go eat something fabulous. Some of these Sydney bloggers must be able to point you somewhere nice. You need to do it to lift your bruised spirits.

    Poor Pip, big brave boy!

  3. Take time to look after yourself, Tracey. Think of it as an investment because you need to be strong for Pip. He sounds as though he is making a very good recovery – he has a resilient teenage body and the right attitude. You have had a lot to cope with over the past few months – you need to be kind to yourself and then you will have the strength to look after him.

  4. I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling Tracey. Just take it easy, sit back and think of the future when you’re back home to excess water and fabulous showers, a comfortable bed and Phillip safe back at home. The time will come… Go out and have a glass of wine with your Pete. If anyone deserves a drink, it is surely you.

  5. Tracey,

    I wish I lived closer to Westmead bc i would pick you up and bring you hom e for a decent meal, shower and night’s sleep. i wish i could support you more.

    Your boy is amazing hmmm must have amazing parents and aunty, me things

    Thinking of you all


  6. !!

    You naughty girl, you told me you didn’t need anything!

    Do you have a microwave or anything in your room? I will bring you some decent food.

    What else? Clean undies? Have mine! No, really! That’ll teach you for telling fibs to me…

  7. Peta

    You’re not useless. You and Pete are keeping our precious boy going. That’s mighty mighty useful. We’re useless up here away from you. You are always in my prayers. Love. love, love

  8. Nic

    I’m sorry you are feeling so down, but it is probably to be expected at this point in an extended hospital stay. Is there anything I can do? I am quite close (Wollongong is only an hour’s drive) and happy to nip up & take you to lunch if you say the word. You must take care of yourself or you’re of little use to those who need you. If nothing else, know that lots of us in blogland are thinking of you and yours & hoping things get good soon.

  9. ashyinfrance

    Well it’s the hotel or it’s stay at home in Townsville. Be glad you have a laudromat, others will thank you.

    It’s for Pip but I know. This is as close as to roughing it you will ever get.

    Useless? Ask Pip if your useless. See, I’m always here to bring you back to earth.

  10. I’m a little far away to be of help, so I will send my bestest hugs ever.

  11. hugs and hugs… I know it’s horrible when you’re stuck around the hospital – I got to know the blocks around the hospice really really well….

    Good to hear that young Pip is doing well.

    More hugs.

  12. Sending you a big hug! It sounds like he is doing fantastic and doing everything he can to aid and speed his recovery. That’s all good! You are exhausted and I hope you can get some quality rest soon.

  13. Big [[[[huggs]]]]. You are doing what you need to do. Soon enough, you’ll be home and hopefully it is all uphill from there (except without squeeky-shoes impeding you).

  14. That Ashy is cheeky. Don’t know if you knew that or not.

    I’m feeling your pain at the moment. Not Pip’s, but yours. Illnesses and hospitalizations are rough on both the patient and those who love them. We’ve spent all our lives DOING things for people when they need us and being helpless is the worst feeling. I’m a fixer and not being able to fix is so very frustrating. Also in my thoughts and prayers of course.

  15. Sending you a big hug and kind thoughts. You may feel useless, but I’m sure that to your son you’re indispensable.

    Hopefully this trip will be over fairly soon.

  16. Having lived at the hospital with one who needs me I know that underneath the hard bed and bad food and ridiculous showers, you are bone tired of watching him so carefully, of listening so intently, of anticipating his needs.
    And I also know that as he improves the pressure will ease and you will do better.

    I’m thinking of you…

  17. Gentle hugs, Tracey. Ash has the right idea. You may feel useless, but really to Pip you are indispensible.
    The close by city must have some decent food available?
    I am sure Aunty E will see to you! It is a nasty fact of life that most accomodation beds are bloody uncomfortable.
    I found staying at the hospital even worse.

  18. I was just re-reading your post. Are you sure you are in Australia? Perhaps the walkers who are ignoring the keep left rule are N. American and/or from Continental Europe? We follow the “keep right” rule and would be perturbed by you “keep left rule” followers…

  19. It is hard. It wont last forever and you will all smile and laugh again. Big hugs. dont forget to breathe.

  20. It is so rough to be in waiting mode! My sympathies to all of you. A friend of mine gave me a quote that I really like, about patience, and waiting. It’s by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, a Jesuit, and I think it was part of a letter written to his sister (other places on the net call it a poem, so who knows). It starts “Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything to reach the end without delay…” If you Google that first sentence, you’ll find sites that quote the whole thing. It’s been a comfort to me at times.

  21. Oh, oh, oh – have been away from blogreading for a while and am just catching up, but – lots of sympathy from me too, but I’m so glad it went well and the worst is over. And your lovely daughter will come back. But it’s so hard to be a mum sometimes!

  22. If I’d known you then you know I would have been bringing you meals and tasty treats to keep you going don’t you.

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